i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
