I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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