Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
