I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
