Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
