So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
