Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
