My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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