somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
