and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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