My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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