go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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