How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
