FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
