we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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