Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
