She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
