just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
