so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
