capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
