I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
