help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
