Pants 0. Shit 1.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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