Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
