if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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