i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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