Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
