its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ttyl tear gas
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
