You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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