just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
