Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
