I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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