cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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