Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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