hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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