if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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