she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
