she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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