I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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