my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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