Please, let me fuck your mom
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
