when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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