Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
