I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
