Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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