Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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