I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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