I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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