just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
