Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
