i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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